The strangest lockdown ever - a screenplay serialized for Substack.
Need a laugh about some of the crazy sh*t that we did - and survived - during the pandemic? Stuff it, I've decided to publish this here as an excuse to finish it. Read on.
I’ve been working on a screenplay based on a real life experience I had during the pandemic, a dramedy (think The Castle but during lockdown) however it’s stalled. For the sake of getting it done - I’m trying to spend this entire week finishing it - I’ve just decided to publish it here as I work on it so I can kill two birds with one stone, if you like, finish it and rack up some Substack posts. Yes, feels cute, might delete later etc etc. Oh and don’t worry because I’m unlikely to send you posts consecutive days in a row. But I want to get it done.
Instead of me writing a synopsis, you can read this story here. It’s based on an IRL adventure, although I’ve invented some things. (I should stress here, I have very nice parents, the world’s best in fact). And many of the names and the location will be changed.
Just for fun though, I’ve added in some pics, and there’s a quiz at the bottom. Oh, and I’d love to hear about other crazy things that happened to people during COVID or even thoughts about the mundane, things that we’ve forgotten etc. Please bear with me as I try to get used to writing in screenplay format, it’s different from journalism and blogging.
INT. TRAIN - DAY.
An empty train speeds through the Sydney suburbs. AMY (40s, frustrated, craving adventure) is gazing out a window with her laptop on her lap. She clicks on a file: HUMAN RIGHTS MASTERS THESIS.doc, and types but is distracted by a notification for a podcast SUPERMARKET TRYSTS AND VIDEO CHATS: HOW AUSTRALIANS ARE DATING DURING COVID-19.
She rolls her eyes and on another tab clicks play.
NEWSREADER
Now, here’s a look back at the one-year anniversary of when life was put on hold.
The laptop cuts to flashbacks of world leaders making press conference gaffes during the pandemic’s first year.
BORIS JOHNSON
There will be scaled up testing at a local level combined with contract tasting, testing, tracing.
JUSTIN TRUDEAU
It prevents you from breathing or speaking moistly on them. What a terrible image.
SCOTT MORRISON
Sorry. Bar-ray? I might need some help here. B-A-R-R-E. I hope I have pronounced that correctly. I’m not quite sure what that is.
Amy laughs to herself.
Flashback to a week earlier.
EXT. HIGHWAY - DAY.
A highway sign says “Grenada Filming No Access”. We see some palm trees above a blue sky.
INT. AMY’S parents’ kitchen - day.
Amy fights with her mother (Nancy, mid-70s, short grey hair that is as spiky as her personality), feeling like she is ten-years-old again. Her Dad (Jeff, mid-70s, bald, down to earth), is unimpressed but watches silently.
NANCY
AMY ELIZABETH! Go to your room.
NOW!
Amy stomps off to her room, sulking. Through the room we get a glimpse of a Jason Donovan poster still on her wall. Amy’s childhood bed is surrounded by tins of cat food and there’s a sewing machine on her desk.
INT. FAMILY KITCHEN - DAY.
The next day at breakfast, Nancy puts the phone down and delivers some news to the family.
NANCY
(To Jeff as she holds a spray bottle of Spray N Wipe)
Hirohito gets in on Wednesday, I’ll have to disinfect her room tomorrow.
Jeff nods. But Amy looks dumbfounded.
AMY
What’s going on?
NANCY
Hirohito. The international student, who your father and I are hosting. He’s arriving the day after tomorrow. And staying - in your room.
AMY
WHAT?!
NANCY
You know there’s about 5,000 international students now stranded in the country. Poor thing.
AMY
You wouldn’t?!
NANCY
He can see the town. And it’s a cultural exchange, for your father and I. Who knows, we might get some free accommodation in Japan later.
AMY
(about to explode))
Showing people the sights?! Everything used to shut at 2.30pm - now it’s shut for good! What will you take him to see - The Big Bush Turkey?! Japan?!
Since when have you cared about any of this? Dad speak to her!
JEFF
(looking serious but calm)
We need the cash for some new blinds. You’ve had a good run here - better than hotel quarantine. And it’s a good excuse for us to take someone, young Hirohito, to see where the jungle show is filmed.
AMY
I’m a Celebrity Get Me Out of Here? The reality show that no one in this town has ever watched??? What about ‘I’m a nobody but still your daughter, let me stay? I’m begging you!’
NANCY
Think of it as a staycation - you’ve been away so long. A tourist at home - there’s a book on that in the library now!
AMY
The library! The only thing to do! And it’ll probably be shut soon, too! I can’t believe I’ve been jilted - and by my own flesh and blood! Even by my underwhelming expectations of how life was panning out, this is a new low!
She throws her spoon down hard on her cornflakes, hitting her bowl, and walks off to her room.
EXT. LOCAL BUS STOP - DAY.
The family car, with Hirohito (20s, looking right out of a K-pop band) in the front passenger seat, pulls up. Amy looks stern as she gets a suitcase out and her mother gets out of the back.
The bus pulls up, kicking dust in Amy’s face and darkening it.
NANCY
I know you’re sick of things. But just think of it as a new adventure.
Amy is still upset but manages to pull her mask down and give her mother a kiss. As she gets onto the bus, Amy’s parents and Hirohito, who looks bewildered, wave as they drive off.
TBC.
Quiz for any one who made it this far: there’s one glaring event/sub plot in the above that did not happen IRL. What is it? (Not sure what I can give the winner, but you will certainly get my virtual, undying love).
And was there anything you’d forgotten about that was actually real that seems bizarre looking back on it now?
Is it that they didn’t give the room away ? Or she didn’t say that ?
Hope for your sake it isn’t but you’ll tell me it’s something else.
I was reflecting on the fact again that the last few years have been such a time warp - this reminded me of lockdown but I’m not sure I’ve ever left. Interested to see what comes next x